Intensity or Insanity
(Part 5)
By John DeFendis
It's 1997. Bill Clintons getting blown in the Oval Office while I'm busting my balls finishing up a wicked set of Bent over Rows. We all have our priorities! On this particular day my priority is annihilating my Back. I'm about 260, hard and serious. As I grind out my last rep and head over to the Seated Cable Row machine for more torture, I hear a loud cocky voice yell out, "Hey you, don't touch that! We're not finished!" I turn around and see two guys wearing doo-rags on their heads, walking around with their lats flexed, acting like Peacocks. The bigger and more bloated guy who can't weigh more than a buck ninety, is wearing a shirt that says, "The bigger I get...The smaller you look". With a smug grin on his face, he looks right at me and says, "Yeah, old man, we're supersetting. Don't touch that." Old man? This wanna be punk just called me an old man? Okay, I would love to take the time to give him an ass whipping but priorities are priorities and right now finishing my back routine is first in order. As I finish a set of machine rows, I look over and see these two morons doing one arm cable concentration curls on the seated cable row machine. The same machine where I wanted to do my cable rows. Besides the fact that they were clueless regarding exercise form, they were also using a weight 5 times heavier than they could handle and they were cheating so bad that it looked like one arm rows instead of one arm curls. It pissed me off because they could have wasted their time on one of the other 30 cable machines in the gym instead of detouring me from doing my scheduled workout. Anyway, after I finished my workout and was getting ready to leave I ran into the dynamic duo again. Without hesitating I told them that if they wanted to grow and get great results, that they should stick to the basic exercises, use proper form, and train hard. Mr. I'm not bloaty enough responded with, "Hey, you may know what works for you, but I know what works for me." On that note, I decided that I was talking to two boneheads that knew it all, so I left.
The next morning I came in to do Shoulders. As I was getting ready to start I noticed Batman and Robin again. This time to my surprise and delight I noticed that they were getting ready to do Shoulders also. I said, Hey guys, want to do alittle Shoulders with me today? The little guy responded with, "No, we have our own routine and it would be too much rest for three people."
But before I turned away I noticed the great bloaty one kick the little guy and smirk. He then said, "Yeah, we don't mind beating up on a has been, lets do it!"
At this point, I couldn't help but remember the scene from the movie "Carrie" when they play a joke on her at the prom and she ends up killing everybody. I felt that same anger come over me that had fueled so many of my previous workouts. I was going to kill these misguided bastards! I started the workout very slow and light. The idea was to give these two idiots the confidence to think that they really had a chance to do this. I picked up a pair of 20 pound dumbells and performed 20 side lateral raises. Then I turned to Bluto and said you go...20 reps. He responded with, "Thats kind of light, isn't it?" I told him just to do it and be patient. He completed his set and as the little guy picked up the 20 pounders, I grabbed the 25's, so that there would only be a one person rest. I completed 25 reps, put them back on the rack and told Mr. Big to grab them. Lets go, 25 reps! I was like a vulture just waiting for these two wise asses to bite the dust. I continued the fiasco. 30 pounders for 30 reps, 35 pounders for 35 reps, 40 pounders for 40 reps! On the set of 30, the little guy looked like he was doing shrugs. I lost Bluto on the 35's. He only got out 14 reps before he crashed to the floor. At that point I told him that we would slow the pace up alittle and start to go heavy. I grabbed the 50's, 60's and 70's and slightly cheated 12 reps with each. The two nimrods were back at the 25's and 30's looking dumbfounded. After we finished the dumbell laterals I set up a tri-set of more Dumbell laterals, cable laterals, and machine laterals. I started doing 12 reps on each and before too long I had circled back around and I was waiting for the "boys" to finish so I could get in my set. It wasn't too long after that when I noticed the two slip away and head towards the bathroom. How cute I thought...these two are going to hold hands and throw up together. Immediately I went to the front desk, grabbed the microphone and made an announcement over the PA system. Attention: Mutt and Jeff! Please come out of the bathroom now! We are not quite finished doing shoulders! Actually, we were just getting to the meat of the workout.
Finally, not wanting to lose my pump, I went to retrieve my good buddys from the restroom. As I walked in I noticed the smaller guy lying on the floor inside the shower stall, fully clothed, with the water running all over him. I realized he was done. There was not much I could do to bring the little bastard back to life. Just then I heard Bluto dry heaving in one of the stalls. I pushed open the door and told him that I was losing my pump and that I needed him to get his fat ass out in the gym and finish the workout. I quoted the line from the movie Rocky 3..."We got more to do Mick! It ain't over...We got more to do!"
Finally, through humiliation I was able to get Bluto to come back out. I told him not to worry because we were done doing lateral raises. When I said this, the stupid asshole halfway smiled with a drool of puke running down his chin! What a fool, I thought. Doesn't he realize that laterals are actually the easier part of the shoulder workout?
I set up a bench to do heavy seated dumbell presses. As I turned, I saw horror on Bluto's face. He said, "We're not going to do presses are we?" I just smiled and grabbed the 100 pound dumbells. I slowly pumped out 12 strict reps, struggling on the last few. When I finished, Mr. Bloat toad looked at me in disbelief, not knowing which dumbells to grab for himself. He mumbled, "I usually go up to 80's so I think I should use 60 pounders." I smirked. He had no idea what he was talking about. He grabbed the 60's and couldn't even throw them up to his shoulders. I told him that he may want to go lighter. He then grabbed the 50's and hoisted them up but could only get 2 reps before they came crashing in towards his head. I grabbed them so they wouldn't damage his already brain damaged head. I wanted to make sure that he didn't hurt himself because I wasn't done torturing the fat fuck. I told him that even though the 40 pound dumbells were half the weight that "old men" and "has beens" used, they were going to be the going weight for his set.
He performed a very clumsy and pathetic set of 6 reps but I hadn't expected more from him. After all, I had witnessed this same scenario so many times with cocky guys that had trained with Michalik and I. After he finished, I grabbed the 110 pounders and completed 8 hard intense reps. He then repeated his academy award winning performance of his last set. Two sets later he was back in the bathroom stall revisiting his breakfast. I smiled, finished my workout and went home to eat. Funny thing though...I never saw those two assholes in my gym again.
Did I feel bad? Hell no! Why? Because everyday I see macho guys who haven't learned how to train hard in the gym. These are the guys that wear the doo-rags, are juiced up on all kinds of drugs and walk around like they are Gods. They would rather overabuse drugs then to eat right and train hard. They are the wannabes of the world. They want all the rewards but do not want to put in the effort. I love these guys. These are the guys that keep me young, strong, and motivated. There is nothing better in the world then giving a cocky asshole an ass beating in the gym.
These are the guys that make my life worthwhile!